Autophobia
by Gentle Hina
Summary: Ever since Matthew had a breakdown in Febuary, he's had trouble adjusting. No one hangs out with him, he's failing in school, everything seems to be going bad for him. Especialy when his Father lost it. Rated M; AmericaxCanada near the end;


Matthew held his books tight as he walked through the large and heavy crowd at school, trying to hurry to his next class as fast as he could; After all, he was supposed to be the good child in the family. Well, at least in his mind. Mother didn't care if Matthew was good or not; She loved him dearly. Father...Father needed some improvement with thinking that way but other than that he was good as well. As long as Matthew could last each and everyday without thinking those bad, horrible, mind-killing thoughts he would get better, last longer even. Ever since Febuary, since that god awful breakdown, he hadn't been thinking that well. In fact, since then, Mother had to hide the sleeping pills incase another breakdown occured to the poor boy; Father hadn't cared one bit.

_"It doesn't matter, just leave the damn things out."_ He had grunted while doing his paperwork, his British accent coming heavier. Mother had just stood there, frowning, hands at the side of her dark-green dress.

Sitting in the usual wooden desk, Matthew pulled his binder out of his plastic backpack that looked like it was going to break apart. Math class, his best subject, was going down the drain.

_**"Did I have homework?"**_ Matthew thought while looking at the board solumnly. To his utter dismay, his math teacher, , stood in front of the class, wearing her usual tacky shirt.

"Pass your math homework to the front of the class!"

Matthew sat at the very front of the class, the second row away from the door of the trailer, just moments away from the rather large school building that was taunting him, telling him that he couldn't even think of skipping now. Cheeks red from embarassment Matthew took the thin stack of papers and handed it to the teacher; He felt as if everyone knew he didn't have his work, like they would snicker at him, laughing that he'd get another F this very week. Into the first 20 minutes of class he felt a headache forming from the words and equations spewing out at him.

It didn't make any sense to him. Sure, even before the breakdown he had there was _some_ he didn't understand, but now...even simple addition made his head hurt with frustration of not knowing how to solve it. Sitting there, randomly moving his pencil on blank paper to fool , words just passed through him, once again.

At lunch he sat alone on a rock located in the middle of the cortyard. He just stared at his peanutbutter and honey sandwich then at his brown loafers. No friends. Well, that was a lie...he DID have friends. Or so they claimed. He was never really involved with them and if they ever had the chance to go somewhere without him they happily took the chance.

_"Ah...see, we have to take about some private things, and since you weren't there..." _

He had started to walk away from them before they could finish telling him the poorly though-out excuse. Sliding dull violet-blue eyes over, a pair that looked so empty, he could see them laughing, having fun: They never did that while hanging out with him. Was he that bad? Sliding his eyes that other way he saw his brother Alfred hang out with his friends, having fun, acting so normal.

_**"People like him...he's so popular...I'm not. I'm so stupid, so worthless, so pathetic...He gets better grades then me...I can't even do well in my English class anymore." **_Thoughts rushed into him, he was trying so hard not to cry. He was good at holding his emotions in, even after the breakdown, just the day _after_, he acted as if he hadn't had lost it and tried to overdose. He could feel tears coming up, wanted- **needing** to be released after so long. He bent over shaking from the effort of trying not to cry. Just moments before bending over he had discarded the sandwich back into the brown paper bag that rested before his feet. Hugging himself he tried even harder, so hard that he started to breath heavily until he just couldn't hold back no more. Silently letting it all out until having to actually make sounds he squatted down; Alfred hadn't noticed the boy until the bell rang for lunch to be over.

"Matthew, are you ok?" Alfred squatted next to him and began to rub his back; Matthew knew that there was no real concern behind that voice. He knew that Alfred was used to him crying, to breaking down from the most stupidest things. Suddenly becoming silent, crying stopping, Matthew just remained in the rather uncomfortable position, stone-still. Once again Alfred had made a mistake and thought that meant Matthew was OK. Smiling his goofy grin the dense boy patted the still boy's back.

"See, you're ok now! You just gotta let it out! Haha, really, man up Matty!"

Walking off into the building, Alfred had left him there. Again. All alone. Just like everyone else. Falling over on his side Matthew stayed there. Why get up? There was no point. What was he even missing in his classes anyway; Not like he'd actually use that shit in real life.

Of course, Matthew hadn't stayed on the ground. In his mind he had, though. 4th block was a blur to him...wait, what was his homework again? A bell rang, everyone left the room as fast as they could. Something was wrong, something bad was going to happen. But it was ok. Mother would hug him and tell him it's ok, she would mean it, kiss him on the forehead. That thought actually made him smile: His rough day was going to get better.

So Matthew happily opened the door, eger to see his Mother, knowing that she'd make some snacks...Wait.

Noises from upstairs.

A yell.

Another.

Stomping down the stairs, Mother carried two bags in each hand, face red, anger obvious.

"M...Mother?"

She didn't even look at him. She slammed open the car door, threw her bags, and drove off. Matthew's face paled.

_**"No...M...Mother?" **_

Running outside, throwing his backpack on the lawn, Matthew ran down the street trying to chase her. But it was too fast; the car that Matthew knew so well, the car that always drove him to school. Gone.

As soon as Matthew had gotten back into the house Father was throwing _anything_ that he had even _saw_ Mother touch. Then his rage filled eyes locked onto the boy infront of him: Wavy blond hair that was just like hers. Violet-blue eyes that was just like hers, only dull. Fair skin like hers. Everything, only as a 15 year old boy. Matthew knew what was coming, everything that Father was thinking, so he tried to run into the bathroom upstairs, a bad mistake, and locked the door behind him just before Father had grabbed him by the hair.

**"COME OUT YOU BASTARD! YOU LITTLE SHIT! GET YOUR ASS OUT!" **

Matthew took out his cellphone and tried calling Ivan; Busy. Ramone: Voice mail. The door that was being pounded on sounded close to breaking down; As fast as he could he tried calling Alfred, if he didn't pick up...God knows.

Breathing heavily, he heard the line trying to go through.

"_Please pick up, Please_..." Matthew muttered. Then, he heard some guys laughing in the background, and Alfred laughing close to the reciever.

"Haha, nice Joey! Hello?"

"Alfred, help me. D-Dad's mad, and Mother left, and, and-" Matthew began to sputter and heave words out. Alfred tried to not interupt the boy but he began to think that Matthew was just playing with him. Why would their mom leave? As for Dad, he never got mad at all, let alone at Matthew.

Laughing abit, Alfred held the phone away from him; It was just a joke! Right?

"The door's about to break, so please-" A click. Matthew began to cry, threw his phone, and backed up into a corner, knees to his chest, shivering in fear. Father broke the door and walked over to Matthew, his fists bawled up, ready to hurt, maybe even kill the boy.

_**Slap!**_

"Dad, please stop! I' m not mom!"

_**Punch!**_

**"Shut up! You're just like Ceila! You little shit!"**

_**Kick!**_

_A sob_. "D-Dad, please..."

It didn't stop. It just kept on and on, pain overflowing his whole body until one point his voice wouldn't work. When Father was done and when he had walked out of the now blood-stained bathroom, Matthew could see him, feeling everything, but he_ couldn't move_. He was on his side, blood covering most of his face, some bones broken here and there, his finger bent weird because he had tried to shield his face. In fact he was pretty sure that one side of his face was probably smashed in. His glasses, the ones that Mother had gotten specialy made for him, were smashed near him.

He couldn't even blink. He wasn't dead, somehow, but he felt like he'd rather be dead right now then be alive any longer. Matthew had lost track of time; He blacked out here and there but always came back to, the pain growing sometimes or settling down.

_**"Why can't I be dead? Please, let me die! Someone just end this!"**_

Sooner or later, when light no longer fluttered out of the bathroom window, he heard Alfred come through the front door. He knew it was him since the hyper boy was yelling about how Joey had gotten him a movie or something; Matthew couldn't really listen to what they were saying, just that they were saying something at all. He heard footsteps and Alfred's voice getting louder.

"Haha, god, Jenny's such a whore! Yeah...yeah. See ya!" Alfred hung up the IPhone and put it in his pocket. "Wonder where Dad went...? Place looked sorta messy."

When Alfred had walked into the bathroom and turning on the light, he gasped in horror at the sight before him: Matthew was on his side, blood covering most of the area around him, his violet-blue eyes wide and dull, a finger bent painfully out of place, his side of the head that wasn't touching the floor was slightly smashed in. Some of the wavy blond hair had been pulled out.

"Matthew?"

Alfred ran to the boy in fear; Matthew hadn't been lying? Matthew had lied about this before, but that was just because he had been home alone and was scared, wanting his brother over. Matthew's eyes followed Alfred's movements but he still didn't move one bit by himself.

"Dear god..." Alfred got a towel and applied pressure to Matthew's head while dialing 911. Matthew couldn't make out what Alfred was saying to the phone at all. When had he come? Throwing the phone down after calling an ambulance Alfred began to cry; What had Matthew done to get beaten like this?

"Matthew, f-follow my finger if you're a-alive." Moving his right pointed finger slowly to the left, Matthew followed the movement with his eyes the best he could. Alfred sighed in relief; Though he couldn't help but feel creeped out by the sight of only Matthew's cold, dull looking eyes following him, no other movement coming from him. Matthew parted his lips, and the best he could, silently whispered a message to his twin. Alfred's eyes widened and then squinted with tears:

_**"Please kill me."**_

Alfred stroked Matthew's bloodstained hair and cried even harder.

It took awhile for Matthew to recover after that. After months, even a year, he still felt so broken; Because of going into the hospital, though, the doctors had learned some new things about the boy: He was bipolar and his vision kept on getting worse. So they gave him pills for each one, night and day, everyday. After that Matthew had developed some more fears other than the dark:

Autophobia, the fear of being alone.

Aphenphosmphobia, the fear of being touched.

Athazagoraphobia, the fear of being forgotton or ignored or forgetting.  
Hematophobia, the fear of blood.

So he'd cling to Alfred everywhere he went: Alfred didn't mind. He believed that this was his fault. He'd left his younger by a minute brother to be beaten by their enraged Father. Alfred's friends after awhile started to get annoyed by the boy.

"Come on Al, why can't _you_ just hang out with us? Why does he always have to follow?"

Matthew only squeezed Alfred's hand tighter;

"Don't leave me alone." Matthew barely whispered to him. Alfred squeezed his hand back to comfort him.

"Guys, I can't leave him alone-" "What is he, 4? That thing was 1 year ago! He should be over it!"

Alfred glared at them, actually realizing how shallow his friends were, how they didn't care about others. Why hadn't he realized this before? Matthew's middle finger was permently bent akwardly to the side, it started to hurt when he applied too much pressure, but even so he squeezed his hand tighter. Although he had the fear of being touched, he was OK with Alfred touching him; Why he did even he didn't know.

"Come on Matthew, we're leaving."

Leading his brother away they went somewhere else in the mall to get away from them. Alfred had even decided to go to Gamestop; His brother liked that store. It would be good to take him there. Going into the store Matthew looked solumnly at the place around him. He had trouble making facial expressions since the incident last year but that didn't mean that he didn't have emotions. Alfred smiled at Matthew and picked up a Pokemon game that he knew Matthew had wanted for a while.

"Hey, you want this? You said that you wanted it a little while ago."

Matthew stared at it, mouth barely, but still slightly agap.

"...Yeah. I...do." He muttered.

Alfred had gave a quick frown but smiled again. He wished Matthew could be just a tad happier than this; but he knew that Father had seriously messed him up, especialy from the beating on the head. Alfred picked up a game called Lux Pain. He showed it to Matthew.

"Want to try this one? Looks like fun." Matthew nodded, now short hair slightly following the movements. Matthew had gotten his hair cut, not wanting anyone to be able to grab it if they wanted to.

"Hm-mm...Looks like fun..."

Alfred had gotten a few more games then lead his brother over to get some food.

"Pizza sound good?" Getting his wallet out after Matthew nodded Alfred ordered some cheese pizza and sat at a nearby booth; Matthew sat on the inside next to Alfred.

_**"If I'm alone Father will come back." **_

Matthew kept on thinking that over and over.

When the pizza arrived Alfred got a plate and set the food out in front of Matthew, then got his own plate.

"So," Alfred began as Matthew slowly took a bite of his pizza, "I have some really good news." Matthew paused, but the continued eating. "Mom's coming back in a week to visit us."

Matthew's got wide and he nearly choked on his food. Putting the food down, he turned quickly to his brother.

"Mom's coming back? She's coming back?"

Alfred stared for a moment as he took in the emotion the Matthew had displayed. Why couldn't Matthew do that for him?

"Yeah, she is. Happy I see?"

Matthew glared into the distance. "No. I...hate her." Alfred's eye's slightly widened. Had Matthew actually said that? He loved Mother so much! Why would he hate her?

"Why?"

"It's all...her fault..." Matthew began to talk quietly again; it seemed he could talk loud, but only for a while...

Alfred paused in silence. Maybe that was true. Father was mad at Mother for leaving, and since Matthew had gotten most of his looks from Mother...

When they had returned home Matthew had just walked upstairs. _**Without Alfred.**_

Why did he have to be so stupid? Why did he always have to rely on sometime? Matthew went into the bathroom, a room where he had REFUSED to go in alone, and shut the door behind him. No one liked him anyway. They just felt sorry for him; his friends that had ignored him had suddenly flocked back to him, not because they were worried, but because they wanted to be famous: to be friends with "The boy who survived the nearly impossible." He began to go through the drawers, then found what he was looking for: sleeping pills. It was a painless way to go, it would be just like falling asleep. He began to swallow 4, then 8, then 10, then even 15. Unlocking the door, already feeling sleepy, he went into his shared bedroom with Alfred.

"Matthew, are you ok?" Alfred had followed him to the bed, watching his brother go under the covers.

"I'm just tired."

Alfred had smiled then layed next to him; he'd take a nap with him, maybe that would make him feel better.

"Sleep tight." Alfred kissed his cheek, causing Matthew to blush slightly.

_**"No...wait...I should tell him! I don't want to...to..." **_He already felt himself drifting off; he was such a wimp, trying to bail out at the last minute; but he already felt his eyes began to close, sleep washing over him. In a last ditch effort Matthew had hugged Alfred as tight as he could.

_"Please get the message. Please..." _

Alfred stared at Matthew in silence. He watched as Matthew cried without making much sound, a pleding look in his eyes that was hard to understand.

Alfred sprung up.

"Dear god! Matthew, why- damn it!" Picking his brother up in one swift movement Alfred ran downstairs and into the kitchen where his Mother's sister, who had been taking care of them, was.

"Suzy, we need to go to the hospital right now!"

She paused and wiped her hands off on her white apron.

"Why? Ah, did Matthew get hurt?"

"Please! I think he tried to overdose again!"

They rushed him as fast as they could; Alfred already knew from that Febuary that he needed to keep Matthew awake or he wouldn't wake up again.

"Matthew, why did you do that?"

"Huh? Oh...I guess I just...got tired again."

"Is it because of Mom?"

"No...I just feel so...so..." He started to drift off, but was shaken awake by Alfred.

"Ah...so useless. You, like, always have to help me...so I just thought..."

Alfred hugged the boy and kissed him on the forehead, something that Mother would do for both of them when they needed it.

"You're not useless. It's OK to have help. I promise."

Matthew gripped Alfred's shirt and felt a breakout coming up; on cue Matthew started to cry heavily and loudly into Alfred's shirt that was quickly becoming soaked by the tears. Suzy gripped the wheel as she drove even faster. She had tried to tell Ceila that that bastard wasn't any good, that nothing good would ever come from the Englishman. Just look at what had happened to that poor boy! Both were suffering from him! Alfred never showed it but he himself had cried over his Mother and Father, cried from thinking the same things that Matthew had though about himself, only showing it to her so he wouldn't upset Matthew even more.

The doctors at the hospital weren't that shocked to see Matthew back but _were_ shocked when they discovered that he took over 5 times the recommended amount of the pills. Draining the substances out of the boy's body and keeping him awake, they took him to a room and gave him an I.V: something that Matthew was used it.

The next day Matthew awoke to find Alfred sleeping in a chair next to him, and a woman sitting next to him, awake. Why did she look familar? Matthew's violet-blue eyes widened.

"Mother?"

She rushed over to him and hugged him.

"Oh Matthew, I'm sorry baby! I'm sorry for leaving! I'm so sorry!" She began to cry. Matthew gritted his teeth.

"GET OFF ME!" He smacked her off, leaving her to stand there with shock on her fair-skined face.

"M-Matthew..."

"It's your fault! All your fault! GET OUT!"

Alfred awoke to the yelling and gasped at the sight.

"Mom?" She glanced at Alfred and gave a weak smile.

"I'll come back later." Kissing them both on the forehead she left the room.

Alfred looked at Matthew, he couldn't help but be mad at him. He had scared off their Mother!

"Matthew, why did you do that? I know that you're mad, but she came to see you!"

Matthew looked down. He had disapointed someone else. He always did that. Why couldn't he stop that? He never followed the flow, always broke it, making people mad.

"I should have lied to make them both happy." He thought. Why was everyone always getting mad at him? It wasn't his fault that he wasn't perfect like them. He didn't ask to be so different that no one wanted to be around him.

Realizing how harsh that sounded Alfred covered his mouth quickly; Why did he keep on making it worse? Just because he had wanted to see his Mother didn't mean Matthew wanted to. God, he'd mess up again!

"Matthew, I'm sorry."

He just looked down. Had he really made the right choice to ask Alfred to save him? Maybe at that moment he was just scared, knowing that he'd never see Alfred again, that he'd never see Alfred smile, never be comforted by anyone, just linger alone in the rooms of his house. Sniffing back a tear Matthew just shook his head. He didn't even want to talk at the moment. Alfred knew this.

"I'm going to get something to eat, ok? Just wait here." Alfred smiled at him and left the cold room. Matthew brought his knees to his chest, breathing heavily. He was alone. Alone! Father would come. He'd come back. He'd beat him again. His eyes began to dart everywhere, every noise making him jump, feeling a fake presense coming towards, feeling his Father coming.

_**"COME ON OUT YOU LITTLE SHIT!"**_ He heard him scream, mind tricking him, fooling him, wanted him to suffer the consiquence of surviving that beating. Why now did he feel the fear coming back? He wasn't scared before! Why? He felt the bathroom walls closing in on him, Father's fists pounding him, glasses being thrown, pain-

"Matthew?"

Alfred had come back to find his brother rocking back and forth on the bed, pale, breathing so heavy it seemed that he would give out in just seconds. Alfred hugged him tightly, Matthew felt Father leave, mad that he wasn't alone anymore.

"I don't want to be alone! Don't let him come! Please!" Matthew sobbed. Alfred hugged him tighter; damn, why did he think that he was over that damn fear? Obviously Matthew wasn't getting over it anytime soon! God damn!

"It's OK, it's OK. I'm here, I'm here." Alfred whispered gently to the sobbing boy.

After that, weeks flew past and months began to crept past as well. Matthew was getting better with his autophobia but it still lingered with him everywhere he went. At least Alfred was there.

When Matthew was 17, Alfred 18, by the time Suzy had gotten married again. Alfred had been saving money so him and Matthew could rent an apartment; he'd been looking at a nice one that was cheap and was near a bookstore, so Matthew would like it.

When he finally got the money, him and Matthew moved out as fast as they could; Matthew was actually getting rather scared of Suzy's husband. He looked too much like Father.

Picking up the last box, Matthew gave a slight grunt as he set it on the table.

"There's the last one!" He called out to Alfred, who was setting up the bathroom.

"Good! Hey, where should I put the lube?" Alfred called back, making Matthew's face turn completly red. They had been together for about 3 months by now, but when Alfred did stuff like that Matthew still lit up with blush.

"A-Ah, I don't know! Put it by the bed or so-something!" He heard Alfred laugh.

"Hahaha, ok, ok!" Alfred walked into the set up bedroom and placed the bottle on the nightstand next to the bed; it was so much fun to mess with him! Thank godness Matthew could be alone in a room from now on; though, he refused to go to into the bathroom by himself, Alfred didn't mind. Especialy when they took showers together.

Walking up to Alfred while still blushing, Matthew wrapped his arms around his neck and kissed him. Kissing back gently, Alfred wrapped his arms around Matthew's rather girly hips and grabbed his butt. Jumping just a bit Matthew's face turned even redder.

"A-Alfred, you pervert!" Moving around a bit, Matthew grinded up agaist Alfred, causing the America to smirk.

"And I'm the pervert here?" Alfred rubbed his hand on Matthew's inner theigh, causing a moan from the blond.

"At least do it in the bedr-room..." Alfred picked Matthew up and went into the requested room, laying him down on the red sheeted bed.

"Happy now?" Matthew nodded. As they began to kiss again Alfred rubbed his hand on Matthew's crouch, this time not just causing the boy to moan but to slightly spread his legs.

"I love you." Matthew smiled at his lover.

"I love you too."

**(GentleHina- FFF Matthew needed to be happy at the end, ok! Gasp, I actually spared Matthew and gave him a happy ending! Holy shit! As for the school scenes, I was very unoriginal and just used my school 83 Reviews would be nice; If you would be nice and tell me what I messed up on in this story, that would really help me write and plan out my stories better :'D)**


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